Forget self-care, let’s talk about self-kindness.
Ok, maybe don’t forget about it completely. Doing things that keep your mind and body feeling good is important, generally speaking. If you’re just focused on doing, then it can be pretty easy to get really unkind to yourself, if you feel like you’re not doing enough of the right things.
So how is self-kindness different?
Kindness isn’t a thing you do, it’s a way you can be, an attitude to take. Learning to treat yourself with kindness means integrating it into every part of your daily life. It’s less about the big gestures, and more about the way that you treat yourself when you’re feeling challenged or self-critical.
After all, sometimes doing self-care is more easily said than done.
You have a work deadline. A pandemic hits and the kids are home all day every day. You come out of a meaningful but difficult therapy session feeling a bit more raw or unbalanced than usual. You’re tapped, and that online pilates class just isn’t going to happen this time.
We’re usually taught to think of self-care like this…
Maybe you think about these three kinds of self-care
This is the “special activity” approach to self-care: have a fancy dinner, buy a new outfit, play your favorite video game. It’s fun and exciting to treat yourself when you can. But those things can take planning, time, money, or energy that you sometimes just don’t have. And in the case of a pandemic, they might not even be an option.
There’s also the “feels good now, but I’ll regret it later” category, like having one more cocktail, staying up too late on a work night, or spending a whole day on the couch. It can be nice - even healing - to feed your inner rebellious self every once in a while, but if it keeps happening and you find it hard to stop, you might need to ask, “is this self-care, or an unhealthy pattern of behavior?”
Last, there are the routines you create for yourself: a daily meditation or exercise practice, therapy, creative outlets, regular sleeping and eating patterns, a work-life balance. Tuning in to what and when you need to nourish your body and your mind is a lifelong, evolving work-in-progress, growing and developing over time right along with you.
So I’ve got news for you. You’re not going to get it just exactly right every day. It’s unfair to expect that you will.
Instead of trying to dial in one perfect self care routine, focus on practicing self-kindness.
Self-kindness is your emotional armor
Studies show that having self-kindness, part of the larger concept of self-compassion, is an important component of what’s called resilience, meaning the ability to bounce back from psychological stress and even physical illness. Kristin Neff is one researcher who has been able to measure how self-compassion helps to buffer against the effects of anxiety. Other studies have shown how self-compassion or self-kindness help to fight loneliness, depression and post traumatic stress. All agree that self-kindness helps you detach from harsh self-criticism and avoid spiraling into shame, hopelessness, and isolation. You can acknowledge harsh realities about yourself and the world around you and respond with understanding and patience.
Let’s redefine self-kindness
What does it mean to be kind to yourself?
When you think of what the word “kind,” means, what do you picture? What other words are associated with it? How would you describe it to another person?
For me it brings up words like “gentle,” “warm-hearted,” “giving,” “patient,” “nurturing.” I get an image of someone smiling, nodding with understanding, seeing and accepting my flaws, appreciating my strengths.
Think about someone who represents those things for you. If not someone you know, then maybe a public figure or even a fictional character. What qualities did that person have that were so kind or compassionate? Use those qualities that you recognize in them to provide yourself with that same kindness, caring, and compassion.
Start to imagine being this person to yourself.
Try this practice with me right now
Pause for a second, put both feet on the ground. Take a gentle belly breath - don’t force it. Just let your stomach expand and contract naturally, slowly.
Allow your muscles to unwind, your shoulders to slump, your brow to unfurl. Feel your body being supported by your chair, or the ground, or wherever you are. You can close your eyes if you want, but you don’t have to - for now, it’s enough to just feel grounded.
Visualize your image of a kind person. See if you can flesh it out in your mind just a little bit more. Maybe try noticing if there are any colors or details that emerge that you didn’t see before. Any sounds, smells, or tastes that go along with it? Where are you placing yourself (if anywhere) in the image in relation to that person?
Notice what it’s like to interact with that person. How they act around you. Can you picture yourself doing those things for yourself? Try it out - maybe by repeating a word or phrase you’ve heard them use, or picturing yourself in their place. Go slowly - practice just one little action or gesture in your mind, feeling what it’s like to step into that role.
Take another gentle breath, and take in that feeling of loving kindness.
Here are some things you can do right now to be kind to yourself:
Think about what it was like to try on that practice in your mind. Try identifying one or two ways that it could be put into action.
Lately developing self-kindness has come up for a lot of the people that I work with. Here’s a conglomerate of ideas that clients and I have generated to help you get started:
Take 20 seconds to breathe before starting something difficult.
Smile at yourself in the mirror.
Tell yourself “it’s ok to feel sad/grouchy/scared/etc. when things are tough or scary. Feelings are part of life.
Make a slightly shorter to-do list for the day, and forgive yourself for not finishing every item.
Drink water
Listen to music while you do a repetitive task
give yourself permission to say NO
listen to your body - what is it telling you that it needs?
ask for help
make a list of the things you’re thankful about right now, or that you’re glad you did this week, no matter how small
Challenge yourself to go a whole day without saying that word “should”
allow yourself to laugh
Remind yourself that you don’t have to fight EVERY battle EVERY day
These practices can be difficult at first…
...you’re not used to it.
Especially if you’ve experienced abuse or neglect as a child, it may feel uncomfortable to accept kindness from yourself or others. It may be hard for you to see yourself as deserving kindness, or you can’t yet even picture what that would look like.
If you want help getting started, let’s chat - email me to set up a free 20 minute phone consultation and we’ll talk about working together.
Thanks!
Al